Crazy for God: How I Grew Up as One of the Elect, Helped Found the Religious Right, and Lived to Take All (or Almost All) of It Back
Anybody who has ever paid any attention to this blog knows that I am a fan of fiction. I'm pretty sure that I've read some other memoir, but I can't actually think of another at the moment. So, it is with great enthusiasm that I recommend this particular book to just about anybody that may actually read this blog. I'm seriously inhaling it.
I think that this book will make exactly a half dozen of Frank Schaeffer's books that I've read. I LOVE his Calvin Becker trilogy, and it's not far off to say that his two books, "Sham Pearls Before Real Swine" and "Addicted to Mediocrity" have had profound influence on my personal beliefs about art and creativity. I think the only book by his father, Francis, that I've actually read, is actually two rather short essays collected in a short volume called simply, "Art & the Bible". I has been formative to me as well.
The title really tells you what's in store. As I understand it, Frank made his escape from evangelicalism and converted to Greek Orthodox. (I've got about 50 pages left to the book, and he hasn't said anything about that yet.)
I had heard about the book, and then James said that he'd started reading it. I got it from the library and can't put it down. There are so many people that I would like to have read this.
I had a quote from the book that I thought about typing in, but I have to go to bed right now. Maybe some other time. If you read it, let me know what you think.
12.06.2007
11.27.2007
Cocktails & Dreams...
Just kidding with the title. But you get 10 points if you can name the movie reference.
I'm feeling kind of weird. I really felt like I just needed some down time and that t-giving would be perfect to get me excited or at least more interested in this whole teaching business and carry me through Christmas break. What I didn't count on was that going back after those few days off would be so difficult. If anything, I feel more tired and more wore out than before break.
I also spent a little bit of time with an old friend that I've not talked to since I started teaching. She asked a little bit about teaching, but kept asking me questions about what I'm doing with "my music" these days and H has told me that this friend worries that teaching will keep me from what I'm "supposed" to be doing. On one hand, it's really nice to hear that somebody really thinks that writing/recording/performing is what I'm "meant" to do. On the other hand, I'm finding very little motivation to pursue those endeavors.
It's been like that. I don't know why, but I feel this compulsion to be evasive and vague about my music "career" with everybody I deal with in my new setting. I don't want students to find my web-site/myspace/blog or hear any of my recordings and I am reticent to talk about any of that with my new colleagues/friends. On the other hand, I don't think I've even been to Arsaga's since August and I've been to the studio probably 3 times since July. I have a co-writer that wants to write with me, and we've actually come up with some good stuff so far, but I can't help that other things get in the way and when they do, I'm not overly upset about it.
Sometimes I think that I just need to not worry about it and not push any of the music right now. That was the whole point of starting to teach: to take the pressure of making money off making music. Now, I just need to take the pressure off making music period. I keep telling myself that once I'm in the groove of teaching and I'm not so distracted, I'll pick it back up and write and play what I want.
Then I wrestle with the same little voice that is the source of all writer's block. To the writer, it whispers: "what if you never come up with a good idea again?" It's sitting on my shoulder saying that but also: "if you really just give up music, what if you never pick it up again?"
I think this is most scary because it questions the identity that I've always thought of myself. That doesn't make it any easier.
I'm feeling kind of weird. I really felt like I just needed some down time and that t-giving would be perfect to get me excited or at least more interested in this whole teaching business and carry me through Christmas break. What I didn't count on was that going back after those few days off would be so difficult. If anything, I feel more tired and more wore out than before break.
I also spent a little bit of time with an old friend that I've not talked to since I started teaching. She asked a little bit about teaching, but kept asking me questions about what I'm doing with "my music" these days and H has told me that this friend worries that teaching will keep me from what I'm "supposed" to be doing. On one hand, it's really nice to hear that somebody really thinks that writing/recording/performing is what I'm "meant" to do. On the other hand, I'm finding very little motivation to pursue those endeavors.
It's been like that. I don't know why, but I feel this compulsion to be evasive and vague about my music "career" with everybody I deal with in my new setting. I don't want students to find my web-site/myspace/blog or hear any of my recordings and I am reticent to talk about any of that with my new colleagues/friends. On the other hand, I don't think I've even been to Arsaga's since August and I've been to the studio probably 3 times since July. I have a co-writer that wants to write with me, and we've actually come up with some good stuff so far, but I can't help that other things get in the way and when they do, I'm not overly upset about it.
Sometimes I think that I just need to not worry about it and not push any of the music right now. That was the whole point of starting to teach: to take the pressure of making money off making music. Now, I just need to take the pressure off making music period. I keep telling myself that once I'm in the groove of teaching and I'm not so distracted, I'll pick it back up and write and play what I want.
Then I wrestle with the same little voice that is the source of all writer's block. To the writer, it whispers: "what if you never come up with a good idea again?" It's sitting on my shoulder saying that but also: "if you really just give up music, what if you never pick it up again?"
I think this is most scary because it questions the identity that I've always thought of myself. That doesn't make it any easier.
11.25.2007
she has the highest midi-chlorian count I've ever seen...
On Saturday, my lovely wife decided it was time to put up Christmas decorations. This means I help get them down from the attic and she goes at it.
It was fun watching "Itchy" (that's another new thing, if you ask her what her name is she says "Itchy") looking at the tree and the lights and ornaments and pointing them and naming them. She's good at spotting Mickey Mouse and Snowmen, but she doesn't know who Santa Claus is yet.
H had put a number of ornaments around the bottom of the tree that Itchy could reach including a Luke Skywalker Christmas ornament with blue light saber drawn and wearing his bespin fatigues. I always thought this was his coolest garb.
Anyway, Itchy found Luke and started saying, "Daddy! Daddy!" and kissing the action figure.
I don't really think there's anything left to say about that.
It was fun watching "Itchy" (that's another new thing, if you ask her what her name is she says "Itchy") looking at the tree and the lights and ornaments and pointing them and naming them. She's good at spotting Mickey Mouse and Snowmen, but she doesn't know who Santa Claus is yet.
H had put a number of ornaments around the bottom of the tree that Itchy could reach including a Luke Skywalker Christmas ornament with blue light saber drawn and wearing his bespin fatigues. I always thought this was his coolest garb.
Anyway, Itchy found Luke and started saying, "Daddy! Daddy!" and kissing the action figure.
I don't really think there's anything left to say about that.
11.01.2007
a couple more thoughts...
I wouldn't want to say "retractions", but maybe a couple of clarifications:
1) My rant may not suggest it, but I have no problem with somebody reading theological/philosophical non-fiction. In fact, I think it's probably good for you in helping you reflect on your own life and your own beliefs. What I get annoyed about is when that is ALL it seems a person will read/think about/discuss. This seems WAY out of balance. Jeff made some particularly clear comments on this subject. He probably even said what I meant to say better than I actually did. So, check that out.
2) I read t-rev's comment a couple of days ago, and I'm being too lazy to go back and re-read it to comment on some things he said specifically, but here's some responses that I remember:
Yes, writing "worship music" (and I'm referring to the most simplistic definition of this) is and should be much more concrete in its terminology and "craft" if you will. Consequently, I'm not sure that you can have really "good art" in a worship song. I wrestle with this. And it opens a huge can of worms in terms of "good art" vs. "bad art", but I don't really want to go there.
When I was younger, I was told the the highest aspiration or highest purpose of the art of songwriting would be writing praise and worship songs. I have all kinds of problems with this statement now, and I'm not sure if I really bought it to begin with. And I don't really want to go there right now, either. (I'm tired and lazy.)
My point here is that Mockingbird was NOT a Praise & Worship record. If it were, I would be evaluating it by a different set of criteria. I would say its purpose was to be an "artistic" statement and in that regard, I believe it failed horribly. I would contend that it was definitely a statement, but feebly artistic if at all. And again, I say that even though I agreed with most of what he had to say. I just think that if he's going to say it in the way he did (lacking poetry/nuance/etc.), he should write a brochure or booklet or something instead of a record.
I felt the same way a couple of years ago about Allanis Morrissette. (spelling?) I had read in an interview that she'd decided that she didn't talk or think in meter or rhyming, so she decided that her songs didn't need to either. I'm sorry but that's not really songwriting to me. I'd call it writing that you sing. And if it's just writing, why don't you just write for somebody to read.
I realize that my ideas of songwriting are not the same as others'. Some want more structure and more craft than I do. Some want less. I'm ok with that. I'm just saying that Mockingbird does not fit my definition of good songwriting craft and/or art.
P.S. Thanks for commenting. I really didn't know if anybody looked at this anymore.
1) My rant may not suggest it, but I have no problem with somebody reading theological/philosophical non-fiction. In fact, I think it's probably good for you in helping you reflect on your own life and your own beliefs. What I get annoyed about is when that is ALL it seems a person will read/think about/discuss. This seems WAY out of balance. Jeff made some particularly clear comments on this subject. He probably even said what I meant to say better than I actually did. So, check that out.
2) I read t-rev's comment a couple of days ago, and I'm being too lazy to go back and re-read it to comment on some things he said specifically, but here's some responses that I remember:
Yes, writing "worship music" (and I'm referring to the most simplistic definition of this) is and should be much more concrete in its terminology and "craft" if you will. Consequently, I'm not sure that you can have really "good art" in a worship song. I wrestle with this. And it opens a huge can of worms in terms of "good art" vs. "bad art", but I don't really want to go there.
When I was younger, I was told the the highest aspiration or highest purpose of the art of songwriting would be writing praise and worship songs. I have all kinds of problems with this statement now, and I'm not sure if I really bought it to begin with. And I don't really want to go there right now, either. (I'm tired and lazy.)
My point here is that Mockingbird was NOT a Praise & Worship record. If it were, I would be evaluating it by a different set of criteria. I would say its purpose was to be an "artistic" statement and in that regard, I believe it failed horribly. I would contend that it was definitely a statement, but feebly artistic if at all. And again, I say that even though I agreed with most of what he had to say. I just think that if he's going to say it in the way he did (lacking poetry/nuance/etc.), he should write a brochure or booklet or something instead of a record.
I felt the same way a couple of years ago about Allanis Morrissette. (spelling?) I had read in an interview that she'd decided that she didn't talk or think in meter or rhyming, so she decided that her songs didn't need to either. I'm sorry but that's not really songwriting to me. I'd call it writing that you sing. And if it's just writing, why don't you just write for somebody to read.
I realize that my ideas of songwriting are not the same as others'. Some want more structure and more craft than I do. Some want less. I'm ok with that. I'm just saying that Mockingbird does not fit my definition of good songwriting craft and/or art.
P.S. Thanks for commenting. I really didn't know if anybody looked at this anymore.
10.28.2007
a thought...
I know a number of people and check a number of blogs of people who like to populate their "recommended reading" lists with all kinds of books discussing theology, church growth, spiritual formation, spiritual disciplines and stuff like that.
It annoys the crap out of me. It just seems an outrageous waste of time and energy. (I must send out an apology to a couple of you that may read this. You know who you are.)
I mean, the people that I've known in my life that I have respected the most for their spiritual maturity and wisdom would never mention their personal theology. What impressed me about those people I can think of would be their humility, generosity, gentleness and honesty.
I just think most people don't care if you're 5 point Calvinist or Armenian. They don't care if you believe every word of the Left Behind books or if you even believe there is an actual hell or not.
I also think that when it's all said and done all this thought, study and discussion will be dust. It won't matter. Why in the world would anybody be sitting around in heaven talking about this stuff? Why should any body worry about it now?
What will be talking about if we make it to that point?
Stories...
It annoys the crap out of me. It just seems an outrageous waste of time and energy. (I must send out an apology to a couple of you that may read this. You know who you are.)
I mean, the people that I've known in my life that I have respected the most for their spiritual maturity and wisdom would never mention their personal theology. What impressed me about those people I can think of would be their humility, generosity, gentleness and honesty.
I just think most people don't care if you're 5 point Calvinist or Armenian. They don't care if you believe every word of the Left Behind books or if you even believe there is an actual hell or not.
I also think that when it's all said and done all this thought, study and discussion will be dust. It won't matter. Why in the world would anybody be sitting around in heaven talking about this stuff? Why should any body worry about it now?
What will be talking about if we make it to that point?
Stories...
10.24.2007
It’s An Audible Sigh: An Interview with Bill Mallonee (Part One)
Excerpt from my comment on the actual article:
I honestly think that Audible Sigh is the reason that I’ve never been able to embrace Wilco, SonVolt, or even Ryan Adams for that matter. Audible Sigh was really my first “alt-country” experience and all those other “alt-country” tagged artists/bands/albums just don’t even come close.
It’s also interesting and heart-breaking to read Bill’s assessment of his place (or lack thereof) in the music industry. I think his assumptions are spot on. For all their talking and posturing, posers like Derek Webb and Caedmon’s Call are not really as far removed from Casting Crowns and Mercy Me as they (or their audiences)would like to think. It’s just that they’re a little hipper about it.
For that matter, I recently read an interview with Don Chaffer (it may have been here) where Don even admitted that looking back, waterdeep was guilty of following the CCM money/fanbase a little bit and he seemed to carry some regret about where WD ended up artistically because of it.
What is even more abhorrent is the fact that the CCM community not only did NOT support true artistic endeavor like V.O.L., but that there was just enough of an association to hinder V.O.L. from making headway with the No Depression crowd.
It seems that now, with Magazines like Paste, and webzines like the ooze and relevant, there would be more people open to embracing sincere artistry like Bill. Unfortunately, if you spend any time reading those zines, you’ll find they’re just as likely to embrace mindless drek like Tomlin, Webb or Agnew.
Bill, like Mark Heard or Van Goh, seems just too serious and sincere about living out his art authentically to build a fan base that could sustain livelihood. This is not a criticism. It is an awed observation. I struggle to reconcile this with God’s design for art’s place in human existence. All I can can do is cling to the belief that God’s economy is not man’s.
The only thing I didn't mention in my comment is that I do have to disagree with Bill on one point. His self-editing is not as stringent as he contends. Over the course of his albums, he's got a number of filler. Especially over the solo records. I think I have 4 or 5 of them, and would say there might be one album's worth of quality songs. His going solo and doing the "homespun" records has given him the freedom to release material quickly and easily. Unfortunately, if he were limited to 1 record every year or so, I think his output would be of higher quality.
What is it with alt-country guys? This is the same problem Ryan Adams has except that he's yet to put out a masterpiece like Audible Sigh. IMHO
I love you, Bill. I wonder if you might be happier if you let your art be your passion rather than continuing to beat your head against the wall trying to make it your vocation. I only say that because that's where I'm at and trying to be. It's not easy and it's not fun and I sometimes have severe doubts, but I've yet to give up on the possibility.
10.14.2007
bloggity
quick blogs:
-This week is the 9th week of school. I have to turn in grades for report cards at the end of this week. I've got a lot of assignments that I need to get graded. I'm not as far behind as I would expect, but I am a little behind.
-Next week, after report cards, I have my first parent-teacher conferences. I'm not real worried, but maybe I should be.
-I played the first gig I've had in months. I traded sets with Brasher, but otherwise it was completely solo acoustic. Oh yea, mr. powers was in town, so I got him to come up and play on a few songs. Good news was that Brasher and I both got $100. Bad news is that there was next to nobody there. That's what you get when you have a couple of 30-somethings playing folky-singer-songwriter material in a bar for 3 hours on a Saturday night. Oh yea, and the Razorbacks lost, so most who might have come out were too depressed. I had fun with Brasher though.
-I have really only 2 students that ruin my teaching experience. I've figured out how to deal with every other problem, but these two constantly fight me and I don't know what to do with them. It's frustrating because I really love the rest of my students and am enjoying teaching. I know that I'm lucky that it's only 2, but I still have to figure out how to deal with those two.
-Read a NY Times bestseller that I've seen a lot of the middle school girls reading called "Twilight". It's a teenage vampire story. I can totally see how adolescent girls would get into it, but I thought it was pretty ridiculous.
-Started reading another book that I book for the kiddos called "House of the Scorpion". It's pretty good. I'll let you know when I finish.
-Unfortunately, I'm not getting very much reading in.
-I've written most of two songs with another songwriter I know. This is exciting just because I've done something. One of the songs seems really commercial but kind of boring to me personally. The other might be pretty great, but it still needs finished.
-baby-shack is awesome. I love her so much and hate leaving her to go to school everyday.
-wifey-shack takes care of me beyond what I deserve.
-time is moving very fast.
-This week is the 9th week of school. I have to turn in grades for report cards at the end of this week. I've got a lot of assignments that I need to get graded. I'm not as far behind as I would expect, but I am a little behind.
-Next week, after report cards, I have my first parent-teacher conferences. I'm not real worried, but maybe I should be.
-I played the first gig I've had in months. I traded sets with Brasher, but otherwise it was completely solo acoustic. Oh yea, mr. powers was in town, so I got him to come up and play on a few songs. Good news was that Brasher and I both got $100. Bad news is that there was next to nobody there. That's what you get when you have a couple of 30-somethings playing folky-singer-songwriter material in a bar for 3 hours on a Saturday night. Oh yea, and the Razorbacks lost, so most who might have come out were too depressed. I had fun with Brasher though.
-I have really only 2 students that ruin my teaching experience. I've figured out how to deal with every other problem, but these two constantly fight me and I don't know what to do with them. It's frustrating because I really love the rest of my students and am enjoying teaching. I know that I'm lucky that it's only 2, but I still have to figure out how to deal with those two.
-Read a NY Times bestseller that I've seen a lot of the middle school girls reading called "Twilight". It's a teenage vampire story. I can totally see how adolescent girls would get into it, but I thought it was pretty ridiculous.
-Started reading another book that I book for the kiddos called "House of the Scorpion". It's pretty good. I'll let you know when I finish.
-Unfortunately, I'm not getting very much reading in.
-I've written most of two songs with another songwriter I know. This is exciting just because I've done something. One of the songs seems really commercial but kind of boring to me personally. The other might be pretty great, but it still needs finished.
-baby-shack is awesome. I love her so much and hate leaving her to go to school everyday.
-wifey-shack takes care of me beyond what I deserve.
-time is moving very fast.
9.30.2007
the blogging english teacher (all lower-case letters are on PURPOSE!)
So, it's kind of weird. One of the things that I've been working on today is grading some Narrative Essays that my 7th graders had to turn in last week. We don't really have tests in that class, so these writing projects are pretty significant to their grades.
Anyway, after writing that last blog, I realized that I was being hyper critical and careful to use correct grammar and punctuation, etc. If you see something wrong, please don't tell me. I don't want to know. I also don't want to become an english/grammar/punctuation nazi in general, and I REALLY don't want to said nazi toward myself on my own blog.
In which case, i will not capitalize "i" with impunity.
Impunity...that might make for a good Word Of the Day for tomorrow...argh!
Anyway, after writing that last blog, I realized that I was being hyper critical and careful to use correct grammar and punctuation, etc. If you see something wrong, please don't tell me. I don't want to know. I also don't want to become an english/grammar/punctuation nazi in general, and I REALLY don't want to said nazi toward myself on my own blog.
In which case, i will not capitalize "i" with impunity.
Impunity...that might make for a good Word Of the Day for tomorrow...argh!
Fear Factor part II
Even after all my whining, Holly still took Ivy to Wichita for the weekend. (I know this weekend is a good time. I started my Saturday modules and so I wouldn't have had as much time with Ivy anyway. But still...)
So, now I've not seen my girls since I went to bed Thursday night. What can I say? I hate it. Now I not only have to deal with irrational fear that they're a long way away from me and I need them to come home to me safe, but I'm also lonely, bored and depressed!
To top it all off, after arriving in Wichita, H started feeling really crappy and running a temp. She's been in bed at our friends' in Wichita pretty much since Saturday evening. I'm torn because I REALLY want them to come home tomorrow and be here when I get home. But I also don't want H driving if she's feeling weak/sleepy/sick. argh!!! Damn these parental motivations! I lived so long without worrying about them.
It's almost 10:30. I've spent most of the day alternately procrastinating and actually accomplishing some much needed grading of homework. Now, I should get in there and make my own PB&J for my lunch tomorrow....man this sucks.
So, now I've not seen my girls since I went to bed Thursday night. What can I say? I hate it. Now I not only have to deal with irrational fear that they're a long way away from me and I need them to come home to me safe, but I'm also lonely, bored and depressed!
To top it all off, after arriving in Wichita, H started feeling really crappy and running a temp. She's been in bed at our friends' in Wichita pretty much since Saturday evening. I'm torn because I REALLY want them to come home tomorrow and be here when I get home. But I also don't want H driving if she's feeling weak/sleepy/sick. argh!!! Damn these parental motivations! I lived so long without worrying about them.
It's almost 10:30. I've spent most of the day alternately procrastinating and actually accomplishing some much needed grading of homework. Now, I should get in there and make my own PB&J for my lunch tomorrow....man this sucks.
9.18.2007
Fear Factor
When I was a kid, I was afraid that Jesus would come back before I got to see the final Star Wars movie. As of May 19th, 2005, that has no longer been a concern.
When I got a little bit older, I was worried that Jesus would come back before I could have sex. (Be shocked if you want, but I guarantee that all honest church boys have this concern at some point...I'm just sayin'....) I don't have to worry about this any more either.
The truth is that I don't think I've really felt afraid. I worried that something would happen that would cause me to miss a future experience, but the fear was never that I could die. Until now.
Now, I have to be here for the girl. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want her to grow up without me. I can't tolerate the idea that something could happen and that I'll miss seeing her grow up and knowing her as she becomes more and more her own person everyday.
Everything is more serious now. Driving on the bypass is a much bigger deal. Driving anywhere is a much bigger deal. Collapsing bridges and crashing semis, highway debris, drunk drivers and potentially psychotic overly disgruntled 7th and 8th graders with too much hunting experience haunt my sense of security.
I was warned about many things, but I don't think I was adequately warned as to how much more I'd have to confront fear in my life. It doesn't control me, but for the first time: it's there.
When I got a little bit older, I was worried that Jesus would come back before I could have sex. (Be shocked if you want, but I guarantee that all honest church boys have this concern at some point...I'm just sayin'....) I don't have to worry about this any more either.
The truth is that I don't think I've really felt afraid. I worried that something would happen that would cause me to miss a future experience, but the fear was never that I could die. Until now.
Now, I have to be here for the girl. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want her to grow up without me. I can't tolerate the idea that something could happen and that I'll miss seeing her grow up and knowing her as she becomes more and more her own person everyday.
Everything is more serious now. Driving on the bypass is a much bigger deal. Driving anywhere is a much bigger deal. Collapsing bridges and crashing semis, highway debris, drunk drivers and potentially psychotic overly disgruntled 7th and 8th graders with too much hunting experience haunt my sense of security.
I was warned about many things, but I don't think I was adequately warned as to how much more I'd have to confront fear in my life. It doesn't control me, but for the first time: it's there.
A What?! (tales from a 7th grade classroom-first entry. This is for James.)
So, in my first class class of the day, we're talking about our word of the
day: bedlam. (means chaos, confusion). We've already talked about
what the word means and I ask: "What would be some situations or
settings that you would expect there to be bedlam?
I get a couple of kids raise their hands and they say, "war" or an
earthquake or a tsunami. And then I call on this one kid and he says:
"A gangbang!"
I have no idea what my face looked like. I was a deer in headlights with my jaw hitting the floor. Then he said, "you know, like a bank robbery or something..." I say: "Ok...yes, like a bank robbery or something like that...." Whew!
I'm glad that 7th graders are pretty innocent for the most part. The
other day we were talking about plot and I had to talk about "climax".
I knew then that they didn't know otherwise or I would have had
snickers.
day: bedlam. (means chaos, confusion). We've already talked about
what the word means and I ask: "What would be some situations or
settings that you would expect there to be bedlam?
I get a couple of kids raise their hands and they say, "war" or an
earthquake or a tsunami. And then I call on this one kid and he says:
"A gangbang!"
I have no idea what my face looked like. I was a deer in headlights with my jaw hitting the floor. Then he said, "you know, like a bank robbery or something..." I say: "Ok...yes, like a bank robbery or something like that...." Whew!
I'm glad that 7th graders are pretty innocent for the most part. The
other day we were talking about plot and I had to talk about "climax".
I knew then that they didn't know otherwise or I would have had
snickers.
8.28.2007
We [shouldn't] live as exegetes.
Rustin linked this interview from his blog. He highlighted a different part, but this jumped out at me:
-Eugene Peterson, interview here
"The importance of poetry and novels is that the Christian life involves the use of the imagination, after all, we are dealing with the invisible. And, imagination is our training in dealing with the invisible, making connections, looking for plot and character. I don't want to do away with or denigrate theology or exegesis, but our primary allies in this business are the artists. I want literature to be on par with those other things. They need to be brought in as full partners in this whole business. The arts reflect where we live, we live in narrative, we live in story. We don't live as exegetes."
-Eugene Peterson, interview here
8.26.2007
week #1 accomplished
I know many have asked how my first week of teaching went. I don't have time to go into any big stories right now, but I feel really good about it.
I think that I've got a great bunch of students. There's a couple that may end up being handfuls, but nothing that doesn't seem manageable at this point. I think they're understanding that I mean what I say and that I'm going to hold them to the expectations I have for them. But I also think they're understanding that I'm as much about getting the work done so we can play as they are.
I'll keep you posted.
I think that I've got a great bunch of students. There's a couple that may end up being handfuls, but nothing that doesn't seem manageable at this point. I think they're understanding that I mean what I say and that I'm going to hold them to the expectations I have for them. But I also think they're understanding that I'm as much about getting the work done so we can play as they are.
I'll keep you posted.
36
Today, I begin leaving my "mid-30's" and start heading into my "late-30's". This morning, Holly said, "I remember you being depressed on your 20th birthday..." I said, "Oh really? You mean 16 years ago?" Wow. I'm a whole driving teenager older than 20.
For a lot of my life, I measured my age and my level of success by that age by comparing myself to the late Rich Mullins. He put out his first non-independent record at about age 32. I've stopped using that as my measure of success for a number of reasons. 1) I didn't make it. but, 2) by the time I was 32, I didn't want to put out a non-independent record if it meant putting it out to feed the Christian bubl-I mean sub-culture. 3) Rich died tragically at 42. Not a good omen.
Even though I'm not rolling in $$ from music royalties, and few of my CDs have ever gone much further than my own hand, I'm still pretty proud of some of my accomplishments in music.
-2005 NAMA award for best singer/songwriter
-Individual Artist Fellowship from the Arkansas Arts Council for music composition in 2003.
-Gypsy Heart earned me a lot of respect as a songwriter and producer from a (non-christian) community of songwriters/musicians that I look up to and respect immensely.
-I've put out a number of other CDs that have spoken to different people at different times and I've actually heard back from those connections.
-There are a number of CDs that I've produced for other artists that I'm very proud to say that I produced. Not least of which would be my sister's CD.
-Any boxes containing unsold CDs that I have in my garage are completely paid for. There are plenty of independent musicians that can't say that.
These are just some of the musical accomplishments that I hold onto in my life. But, I'm even more proud of the fact that in following my musical aspirations I have still:
-built a number of long lasting friendships and relationships in my life. Some of the BEST experiences I've had in making records have been because I've been able to make records with really outstanding people to hang out with. I don't have any regrets of promoting myself or my music or putting those desires over relationships with others. I don't have to regret how I treated people to claw my way up the ladder.
-been faithful to and built a solid relationship with a beautiful, wonderful wife of 14 years. Even in spite of most of that time traveling and working together 24/7, we still have fun and enjoy each other's friendship and company.
-had a beautiful, healthy, baby girl to raise and love with my wife.
-succeeded in taking on the challenge of actually changing careers and have even survived a whole week in my new position as 7th grade teacher.
It seems natural to me that I should take a birthday as opportunity to look at my life and consider how I feel about what I've accomplished so far. This is an abbreviated list, but it still makes me feel pretty good. Now, if about 20-30 lbs. would just go away...
I know that when I was in 7th and 8th grade, I dreamed of being the next Michael W. Smith. I can honestly say, thank heaven that dream didn't come true. (That's actually my friend, Mark.)
For a lot of my life, I measured my age and my level of success by that age by comparing myself to the late Rich Mullins. He put out his first non-independent record at about age 32. I've stopped using that as my measure of success for a number of reasons. 1) I didn't make it. but, 2) by the time I was 32, I didn't want to put out a non-independent record if it meant putting it out to feed the Christian bubl-I mean sub-culture. 3) Rich died tragically at 42. Not a good omen.
Even though I'm not rolling in $$ from music royalties, and few of my CDs have ever gone much further than my own hand, I'm still pretty proud of some of my accomplishments in music.
-2005 NAMA award for best singer/songwriter
-Individual Artist Fellowship from the Arkansas Arts Council for music composition in 2003.
-Gypsy Heart earned me a lot of respect as a songwriter and producer from a (non-christian) community of songwriters/musicians that I look up to and respect immensely.
-I've put out a number of other CDs that have spoken to different people at different times and I've actually heard back from those connections.
-There are a number of CDs that I've produced for other artists that I'm very proud to say that I produced. Not least of which would be my sister's CD.
-Any boxes containing unsold CDs that I have in my garage are completely paid for. There are plenty of independent musicians that can't say that.
These are just some of the musical accomplishments that I hold onto in my life. But, I'm even more proud of the fact that in following my musical aspirations I have still:
-built a number of long lasting friendships and relationships in my life. Some of the BEST experiences I've had in making records have been because I've been able to make records with really outstanding people to hang out with. I don't have any regrets of promoting myself or my music or putting those desires over relationships with others. I don't have to regret how I treated people to claw my way up the ladder.
-been faithful to and built a solid relationship with a beautiful, wonderful wife of 14 years. Even in spite of most of that time traveling and working together 24/7, we still have fun and enjoy each other's friendship and company.
-had a beautiful, healthy, baby girl to raise and love with my wife.
-succeeded in taking on the challenge of actually changing careers and have even survived a whole week in my new position as 7th grade teacher.
It seems natural to me that I should take a birthday as opportunity to look at my life and consider how I feel about what I've accomplished so far. This is an abbreviated list, but it still makes me feel pretty good. Now, if about 20-30 lbs. would just go away...
I know that when I was in 7th and 8th grade, I dreamed of being the next Michael W. Smith. I can honestly say, thank heaven that dream didn't come true. (That's actually my friend, Mark.)
8.15.2007
14 years !?
The day I gave H a ring and we announced that we were getting married, I was a wreck. All day long we were getting congratulations and "Oh, I knew it!" "You belong together!" blah blah blah. I tried to smile and act like I was excited, but I was scared to death.
I was 21 years old. I liked girls a lot. I liked to flirt a lot. To be honest, I thought maybe I was too young and thought maybe I should keep myself untethered and sow a few more wild oats before settling down. What if somebody else came along later who was better? Hotter? ?
These are the thoughts/questions of an idiot; A very lucky idiot.
The night we made that announcement, after Holly had gone home and I was back in my room, I sat down and wrote a list all the reasons I could think of why we'd make a good married couple. Also, a friend who I looked up to a lot talked to me about what made him decide to get married. He said that he was really worried about the whole thing. He kept asking himself all these "what if" questions. The fact is, I probably have met somebody else in my life that I could marry and be happy with. I probably will meet somebody else in my life again. But that's not the point of marriage. Marriage is a decision to commit and say, "this is it. This is the one. I'm going to stick with this one no matter what else comes along."
This doesn't seem particularly romantic in the way hollywood would have us understand romance. I can imagine some people reading this and mistakenly thinking: "wow, that's really sad. What about passion? What about the breathless feeling that happens with infatuation? Why would I want to give up the opportunity for that by tying myself down?" And I'd say that's part of the mystery of it all that's not too unlike what I've been experiencing the last 15+ months with Ivy. The fact is what I have gained far outweighs any "opportunities" that I may or may not be available for anymore.
I don't really think this blog is written very well and I imagine some could read this and think it's particularly unromantic. But what I'm trying to say is that I have been so blessed by my wife. She's smart in ways that I am not. She's joyful in ways that I am not and helps me to be more joyful. She's strong in ways that I am not and she supports me when I need it. She is loving in ways that I am not, and yet continues to love me even when I do poorly at loving her back in the ways that she needs.
I can't believe that we've been married for 14 years now. That's a long time. And to think that we still get along, we still have fun, we still work things out together, we still laugh and we know each other better than anybody else and yet still want to hang around each other. One of the most fun things of my marriage is to be in the same house as Holly while she's watching America's Funniest Home videos all by herself.
And now, we've made this gorgeous little girl who's bound us together as 3 instead of 2. Add to everything else that she's a great mom to Ivy.
I know that I've said it before, but I am blessed beyond measure or reason. I'm looking forward to the next 14 years and more.
I was 21 years old. I liked girls a lot. I liked to flirt a lot. To be honest, I thought maybe I was too young and thought maybe I should keep myself untethered and sow a few more wild oats before settling down. What if somebody else came along later who was better? Hotter? ?
These are the thoughts/questions of an idiot; A very lucky idiot.
The night we made that announcement, after Holly had gone home and I was back in my room, I sat down and wrote a list all the reasons I could think of why we'd make a good married couple. Also, a friend who I looked up to a lot talked to me about what made him decide to get married. He said that he was really worried about the whole thing. He kept asking himself all these "what if" questions. The fact is, I probably have met somebody else in my life that I could marry and be happy with. I probably will meet somebody else in my life again. But that's not the point of marriage. Marriage is a decision to commit and say, "this is it. This is the one. I'm going to stick with this one no matter what else comes along."
This doesn't seem particularly romantic in the way hollywood would have us understand romance. I can imagine some people reading this and mistakenly thinking: "wow, that's really sad. What about passion? What about the breathless feeling that happens with infatuation? Why would I want to give up the opportunity for that by tying myself down?" And I'd say that's part of the mystery of it all that's not too unlike what I've been experiencing the last 15+ months with Ivy. The fact is what I have gained far outweighs any "opportunities" that I may or may not be available for anymore.
I don't really think this blog is written very well and I imagine some could read this and think it's particularly unromantic. But what I'm trying to say is that I have been so blessed by my wife. She's smart in ways that I am not. She's joyful in ways that I am not and helps me to be more joyful. She's strong in ways that I am not and she supports me when I need it. She is loving in ways that I am not, and yet continues to love me even when I do poorly at loving her back in the ways that she needs.
I can't believe that we've been married for 14 years now. That's a long time. And to think that we still get along, we still have fun, we still work things out together, we still laugh and we know each other better than anybody else and yet still want to hang around each other. One of the most fun things of my marriage is to be in the same house as Holly while she's watching America's Funniest Home videos all by herself.
And now, we've made this gorgeous little girl who's bound us together as 3 instead of 2. Add to everything else that she's a great mom to Ivy.
I know that I've said it before, but I am blessed beyond measure or reason. I'm looking forward to the next 14 years and more.
8.10.2007
I finally found it.
I've been looking for this quote for some time. I knew that Lewis said something like this, but haven't read the book. I nabbed it from another guy's blog (check out the link).
"Now as myth transcends thought, Incarnation transcends myth. The heart of Christianity is a myth which is also a fact. The old myth of the Dying God, without ceasing to be myth comes down from the heaven of legend and imagination to the earth of history. It happens–at a particular date, in a particular place, followed by definable historical consequences. We pass from a Balder or an Osiris, dying nobody knows when or where, to a historical Person crucified (it is all in order) under Pontius Pilate. By becoming fact it does not cease to be myth: that is the miracle."
~C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock, “Myth Became Fact” (1944)
I have to try to keep myself from reading what many Christians write about Harry Potter. I have never seen justification for condemning the books from anybody who has actually read them. Why? Because it would be even more ludicrous, illogical and/0r dishonest than the current ignorant condemnations.
I am also shocked and appalled to hear of people like Chuck Colson or James Dobson, who KNOW what kind of influence they have over so many people, would continue to berate these stories. Dobson and Colson have made comments that truly seem to indicate that they've never read the books either. If they have, I don't know whether to be more disturbed poor thinking of these "intellectual" leaders, or the thought that they maintain this position in order to maintain the devotion of their "congregations".
Oh man. This gets me so fired up I can't stop.
8.05.2007
God Bless Brian McLaren
I thank God for Brian McLaren all the time. I wish that he would have been far enough along on his journey to have already shared his ideas by the early-mid 90's. I wish that I would have been smart/mature enough to start asking those questions by that time instead of really running into them in the late '90s early '00s. If I would have asked those questions sooner, and he would have provided this new way of thinking sooner in my life, I can think of many conversations that would have gone very differently and I would carry way less regret for those same conversations.
I get sick to death of people trying to impress me with how "deeply" and "pervasively" they think about, read about, debate about, expound about theology. Frankly, it seems like a waste of time and energy and I really wonder if that's really what God wants from any of us. I'm pretty sure it's NOT what he wants from me. (he might want a little more of my consideration, I'm just saying...)
But, McLaren frames this whole life of faith in language I understand and agree with. I know that I shouldn't read only one person and should expose myself to other people that would challenge my thinking, but the fact of the matter is that McLaren does challenge me in the ways that I want to be challenged.
I get sick to death of people trying to impress me with how "deeply" and "pervasively" they think about, read about, debate about, expound about theology. Frankly, it seems like a waste of time and energy and I really wonder if that's really what God wants from any of us. I'm pretty sure it's NOT what he wants from me. (he might want a little more of my consideration, I'm just saying...)
But, McLaren frames this whole life of faith in language I understand and agree with. I know that I shouldn't read only one person and should expose myself to other people that would challenge my thinking, but the fact of the matter is that McLaren does challenge me in the ways that I want to be challenged.
7.30.2007
Random Facts Meme
I was tagged by Rustin to participate in the following meme… so here are the rules:
1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.
I still don't know why this is called a "meme" and I hope this doesn't mean that I'm signing up for some weird club but this is what I've come up with:
- My athletic abilities are restricted to activities that may be interesting to some (well... me for instance), but don't make you popular when you're growing up in a tiny town in Northwest Kansas. I'm better than most people I've ever met at things like: Knife throwing, Tomahawk throwing, hackey sack (solo), whip cracking, boomerang throwing (and catching) and juggling. I'm also good with a frisbee, but again, there were no teams...
- Although I love to read now, my dad was always bugging me to read when I was in grade school because there were always these book clubs and reading contests in school and he was the school librarian after all.
- When I first started college, I was about 5'10" and weighed between 115-120 pounds. (pure muscle!) I had really long bangs with a blonde streak in it that I got put in the summer after I graduated from high school after fighting with my dad about it. At the small college I went to, I considered it a triumph to find out that many people thought I was from California instead of Northwest Kansas.
- Nightcrawler is my favorite X-man. When I was in 4th grade, my friends who were a year older than me introduced me to the X-men and Dungeons and Dragons. We were all assigned X-men code names. Adam was Colossus, Tim was Wolverine, Sean was Cyclops and I was obviously Nightcrawler. Just another reason why X-men 3 sucked beyond comprehension...where did he go?
- From about 4th grade through High School, I started reading the Fellowship of the Ring about 6 times and finally got all the way through it once. But I didn't have the energy to even start the Two Towers. I always felt like such a loser because all my friends (x-men) had read the Lord of the Rings multiple times and had even read the Silmarillian. When we played D&D, and they started arguing about sources for the game that came from Tolkien's masterpiece, I just pretended like I knew what they were talking about. I finally completed the trilogy AND the Silmarillion after the first movie came out.
- When I was in 8th grade I set a school record for pole vaulting 10' 6" high in a track meet. I loved to pole vault and that was the only reason I went out for track in the first place, because I really don't like to run. If I could go find a pole vault pit and pole somewhere that they'd let me, I'd go out and pole vault for fun. But again, that's one of those things that you just don't find at work out gyms... As you get better at pole vaulting, you start using heavier and heavier poles so that there's more stored energy in the pole as you bend it. I kept going up it pole weight, but got to the point where I'd bend the pole and it would shoot me straight up in the air because I couldn't run fast enough to build forward momentum to go over. So, to get better I was going to have to start running faster. I didn't go out for track after my Freshman year. It's been a long time since I've checked, but to my knowledge the 8th grade record stands.
- In actuality, I am a perfectionist. For example: my wife is always amazed when I fold clothes because she thinks they're so perfect when I do it. I don't agree with her. In fact, that's why I hate folding clothes: I can't get them perfect. Unfortunately, the prominent motivation in my life that always over rides my perfectionism is my laziness.
- When I was 27 and the music started at the midnight showing of "The Phantom Menace" on opening night, I cried.
Jake
Bill McNeil
Languisher
celia
That's all I've got and I resorted to myspace... sorry.
7.13.2007
The rest of the story...
(if you haven't already, you need to go down and read the previous post "The setup of low expectations...)
First, James and I get to Arsaga's and find my friend, Keith, waiting for us in the parking lot. I had mentioned the gig to Keith on Wednesday night at a 4th of July party, and he'd asked if he came if he could play. At the time, I told him to plan on it. Now, Keith is a world-class musician/songwriter/bassist who travels all the time, and I didn't really expect that on one of his few weekends off, he'd want to 1) come to my little coffee house gig 2)Actually want to play with me. Imagine my surprise to find him already there and waiting on us, with my songs all charted out and ready to play!
So, we get set up and start playing. Keith is awesome! I always forget just how much a really good bass player can fill out the sound, even w/o a lot of drums playing with him. Because Keith had actually done some preparation for the gig, I stuck pretty close to originals with the few covers being real crow-pleasers. Well, I start realizing there there are quite a few people in the place and they're having a good time and really paying attention to what we're doing. A number of people that I knew showed up that don't regularly show up for Arsaga's gigs. So, people were actually coming and staying. I'd taken decongestants and tylenol before the gig, and so I was feeling ok and sounding ok. James was doing great and we were just really having a fun time! Because we were doing mostly originals and covers that I've been doing for quite some time, Holly stayed on stage most the night and gave us some rhythm and sang the two songs that she sings lead on. Sound seemed just about right: Loud enough, but not blaring.
Ivy is sitting at a table right up front with some friends and is just eating up the attention. At one point, I was coaching the crowd on "Sha-la-la" words they're supposed to sing with me, and I tell Ivy that I can't hear her. Right on cue, she jabbers so the whole place can hear: "la-la-la-la..." It brought the house down!
As if that weren't all enough and really the most fun. With about 20 minutes left, another friend, Keith's partner, Ezra, jumps to the stage and takes over Holly's dumbek. He's beating the crap out of it and it sounds AWESOME! He stays up for the rest of the set on dumbek and we end up playing an impromptu U2 medley of "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" and "Where the Streets have no Name" with Keith wailing on bass and Ezra rocking out on dumbek. IT WAS AWESOME!
To top it all off, I made the most possible from the drawer, did well with tips, and sold 7 CDs! (I think 4 CDs sold at an Arsaga's gig was my previous record.)
So, even though I came in with such low expectations, it easily turned into the best Arsaga's gig I've ever played. The fact that these great songwriters, Keith and Ezra, not only like and respect my music, they even enjoy playing it with me is a huge vote of confidence and affirmation to me as a songwriter/musician.
It seems like a perfect time to take a break. It's not that I'm never going to play Arsaga's again. It's just that I'd like to write some more songs, maybe get a new project recorded and come back with a whole new set. That's the plan at this point. I don't know if I'll cut back to playing just once a quarter or what. We'll just see.
Thank you to everybody who came out the other night and made it such a blast!
First, James and I get to Arsaga's and find my friend, Keith, waiting for us in the parking lot. I had mentioned the gig to Keith on Wednesday night at a 4th of July party, and he'd asked if he came if he could play. At the time, I told him to plan on it. Now, Keith is a world-class musician/songwriter/bassist who travels all the time, and I didn't really expect that on one of his few weekends off, he'd want to 1) come to my little coffee house gig 2)Actually want to play with me. Imagine my surprise to find him already there and waiting on us, with my songs all charted out and ready to play!
So, we get set up and start playing. Keith is awesome! I always forget just how much a really good bass player can fill out the sound, even w/o a lot of drums playing with him. Because Keith had actually done some preparation for the gig, I stuck pretty close to originals with the few covers being real crow-pleasers. Well, I start realizing there there are quite a few people in the place and they're having a good time and really paying attention to what we're doing. A number of people that I knew showed up that don't regularly show up for Arsaga's gigs. So, people were actually coming and staying. I'd taken decongestants and tylenol before the gig, and so I was feeling ok and sounding ok. James was doing great and we were just really having a fun time! Because we were doing mostly originals and covers that I've been doing for quite some time, Holly stayed on stage most the night and gave us some rhythm and sang the two songs that she sings lead on. Sound seemed just about right: Loud enough, but not blaring.
Ivy is sitting at a table right up front with some friends and is just eating up the attention. At one point, I was coaching the crowd on "Sha-la-la" words they're supposed to sing with me, and I tell Ivy that I can't hear her. Right on cue, she jabbers so the whole place can hear: "la-la-la-la..." It brought the house down!
As if that weren't all enough and really the most fun. With about 20 minutes left, another friend, Keith's partner, Ezra, jumps to the stage and takes over Holly's dumbek. He's beating the crap out of it and it sounds AWESOME! He stays up for the rest of the set on dumbek and we end up playing an impromptu U2 medley of "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" and "Where the Streets have no Name" with Keith wailing on bass and Ezra rocking out on dumbek. IT WAS AWESOME!
To top it all off, I made the most possible from the drawer, did well with tips, and sold 7 CDs! (I think 4 CDs sold at an Arsaga's gig was my previous record.)
So, even though I came in with such low expectations, it easily turned into the best Arsaga's gig I've ever played. The fact that these great songwriters, Keith and Ezra, not only like and respect my music, they even enjoy playing it with me is a huge vote of confidence and affirmation to me as a songwriter/musician.
It seems like a perfect time to take a break. It's not that I'm never going to play Arsaga's again. It's just that I'd like to write some more songs, maybe get a new project recorded and come back with a whole new set. That's the plan at this point. I don't know if I'll cut back to playing just once a quarter or what. We'll just see.
Thank you to everybody who came out the other night and made it such a blast!
7.08.2007
The setup of low expectations...
I'll be honest. I had really low expectations for the gig at Arsaga's last night for a number of reasons.
It's the middle of summer. It's hotter than a firecracker out there! Who wants coffee? Who wants to sit in a coffee house on a Saturday night and listen to me play music?
The coffee house has been experimenting with a new system for paying the acts, and it's been biting everybody in the ass. The new deal is that the house needs to take in $x and then the act gets paid whatever they take in over that at the drawer. There's no cover ever, so it's all dependent on 1) People coming to the show 2) People spending money on drinks.
I've been hearing for a number of weeks, Arsaga's has been really slow and nobody has got paid much from the drawer since instituting this new pay plan.
I didn't do any more publicity than usual. I took two posters to the store earlier in the week and I sent out a regular email inviting people to come out. So, I really didn't expect many, if any people to show up.
So, in addition to thinking 1)Nobody's going to come out which means 2)I'm not going to get paid anything, I'm also in a weird, conflicted state about this being my last Arsaga's gig for awhile. The thing is, I've been playing this gig for maybe 5 years now.? And although I'm usually playing new covers just to see if I can pull them off, and people still seem to enjoy and request my originals, new originals come few and infrequently. To me, it feels like about the same gig that I've been doing for a long time. The fact is that if I were writing more, it would stay way more interesting to me. The fact is, the gig kind of bores me a lot of the time and especially when people haven't shown up lately, my brain assumes that any crowd/following/friends must be bored with the same old thing, too.
I start my new career as a 7th grade Math/English teacher in about a month. This means that I'm not going to need the little extra income I usually make from playing Arsaga's, and I can back off from playing there every couple of months to mayble playing once a quarter or maybe even once every 6 months. It's good that I'm going to be able to put some time between gigs. Maybe I'll actually write some new songs. Maybe if I'm playing more infrequently, people will be more interested when opportunity comes to come out and see me.
At the same time, the arsaga's thing has been the last vestiges of my life as a "professional singer/songwriter". Even though I'm excited about teaching and getting a real paycheck and not depending on music for my livelihood anymore, there's a part of me that doesn't want to let that go. Whenever somebody asks me "What do you do?" I've always just answered, "I'm a musician." I'm tremendously proud that I have been able to say that I've made a living (not a great living, but a living) for the last 13 years of married life as a musician. Now, I guess I'll have to answer, "I'm a 7th grade math/english teacher."...? I guess when it comes down to it, I'm still a guy and find a lot of my identity in what I do. And even though I strongly believe that teaching is a very important, admirable profession and career, I'd still rather see myself as a "professional musician." That's hard for me to get over.
So far, the way I've dealt with this has been to try not to think about it. And I've certainly not spoken it out loud to anybody. But it's there. And thinking this was my last (for awhile) Arsaga's gig was bringing those feelings up to a ragged edge.
Also, my friend James will be moving soon. Not only does this make me sad personally, this is most likely the last gig that I'll have James backing me for quite some time. He's good, doesn't like to practice any more than I do, is willing to wing it every time, and he tries not to let me pay him. How am I going to find another lead player like that?
And to top it all off, I haven't played out for like 2 months, have been healthy that whole time, and earlier this week I get some kind of cold or something! My head is full, I've been achy, and I just feel like crap. On Saturday I was feeling better but playing any gig, but especially one that you're not sure you want to play in the first place, without feeling 100% well REALLY sucks.
So, like I said, I was really just hoping to get last night at Arsaga's over with and hoping that I'd make out with more than $5 for the effort.
It's the middle of summer. It's hotter than a firecracker out there! Who wants coffee? Who wants to sit in a coffee house on a Saturday night and listen to me play music?
The coffee house has been experimenting with a new system for paying the acts, and it's been biting everybody in the ass. The new deal is that the house needs to take in $x and then the act gets paid whatever they take in over that at the drawer. There's no cover ever, so it's all dependent on 1) People coming to the show 2) People spending money on drinks.
I've been hearing for a number of weeks, Arsaga's has been really slow and nobody has got paid much from the drawer since instituting this new pay plan.
I didn't do any more publicity than usual. I took two posters to the store earlier in the week and I sent out a regular email inviting people to come out. So, I really didn't expect many, if any people to show up.
So, in addition to thinking 1)Nobody's going to come out which means 2)I'm not going to get paid anything, I'm also in a weird, conflicted state about this being my last Arsaga's gig for awhile. The thing is, I've been playing this gig for maybe 5 years now.? And although I'm usually playing new covers just to see if I can pull them off, and people still seem to enjoy and request my originals, new originals come few and infrequently. To me, it feels like about the same gig that I've been doing for a long time. The fact is that if I were writing more, it would stay way more interesting to me. The fact is, the gig kind of bores me a lot of the time and especially when people haven't shown up lately, my brain assumes that any crowd/following/friends must be bored with the same old thing, too.
I start my new career as a 7th grade Math/English teacher in about a month. This means that I'm not going to need the little extra income I usually make from playing Arsaga's, and I can back off from playing there every couple of months to mayble playing once a quarter or maybe even once every 6 months. It's good that I'm going to be able to put some time between gigs. Maybe I'll actually write some new songs. Maybe if I'm playing more infrequently, people will be more interested when opportunity comes to come out and see me.
At the same time, the arsaga's thing has been the last vestiges of my life as a "professional singer/songwriter". Even though I'm excited about teaching and getting a real paycheck and not depending on music for my livelihood anymore, there's a part of me that doesn't want to let that go. Whenever somebody asks me "What do you do?" I've always just answered, "I'm a musician." I'm tremendously proud that I have been able to say that I've made a living (not a great living, but a living) for the last 13 years of married life as a musician. Now, I guess I'll have to answer, "I'm a 7th grade math/english teacher."...? I guess when it comes down to it, I'm still a guy and find a lot of my identity in what I do. And even though I strongly believe that teaching is a very important, admirable profession and career, I'd still rather see myself as a "professional musician." That's hard for me to get over.
So far, the way I've dealt with this has been to try not to think about it. And I've certainly not spoken it out loud to anybody. But it's there. And thinking this was my last (for awhile) Arsaga's gig was bringing those feelings up to a ragged edge.
Also, my friend James will be moving soon. Not only does this make me sad personally, this is most likely the last gig that I'll have James backing me for quite some time. He's good, doesn't like to practice any more than I do, is willing to wing it every time, and he tries not to let me pay him. How am I going to find another lead player like that?
And to top it all off, I haven't played out for like 2 months, have been healthy that whole time, and earlier this week I get some kind of cold or something! My head is full, I've been achy, and I just feel like crap. On Saturday I was feeling better but playing any gig, but especially one that you're not sure you want to play in the first place, without feeling 100% well REALLY sucks.
So, like I said, I was really just hoping to get last night at Arsaga's over with and hoping that I'd make out with more than $5 for the effort.
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